© MariaMontessori.com
Elementary children need to experience themselves as increasingly powerful agents in the world. As their personal power increases with age and maturity, they begin to encounter all the classical questions about power with which humanity has struggled and continues to struggle. At the root of these questions is the fact that power and its uses define relationships.
There is that in the male psyche, in particular, that is fascinated with the projection of personal power at a distance. The emperor sits in his throne room ruling his far-flung empire. The generals gather in the war room to talk about “force projection.” CEO’s earn their bonuses by expanding the “global reach” of their corporations. The eminent professor sits in his study writing books and papers calculated to demolish the theories of his colleagues on the other side of the world and change the direction of his academic discipline for all time.
Boys, on the other hand, just like to throw things. Rocks, snowballs, mud balls, dirt clods, sticks, spears, Frisbees, boomerangs, baseballs, footballs, basketballs – all involve the projection of power at a distance – and if accuracy is involved, so much the better. Standing right here, I can have an effect way over there. I can get that wooly mammoth, bear or dog before it gets me. I can get you before you get me. And I can do it even if I’m not as big, strong, fast, ferocious, agile, or smart as you.
Guns are technology’s answer to this fascination with the projection of power at a distance. This attraction, this fascination is, in itself, neither good nor bad. It just is. Yet it is clear that in the context of a life and a culture, how a boy learns to relate to his capacity to project personal power can lead to good or bad habits of mind and good or bad outcomes for the boy, his family and his society.
© MariaMontessori.com
As with all of the raw-but-wonderful psychic energies of childhood, the key is not to squelch the energy but to channel it in positive directions. To my mind, guns are far too ambivalent a force in our society to be offered as toys to children experimenting with personal power. During my son’s childhood, there were no toy guns in our house, but there was always a clear message (“In our family we don’t pretend to shoot people”) and many choices of what Sandy Blackard has called a “Can Do” – something the child can do instead of the undesired behavior (“Maybe you could set up this bunch of tin cans in the back yard and see how far away you can stand to hit them with these tennis balls.” “Maybe we could all go to the lake to skip rocks.” “Maybe you could play catch.” “Let’s go shoot some hoops. I could use some practice on my free throws.”) If the child rejects all the Can-Do’s, the bottom line is “There must be something you could do that’s exciting and fun. Pretending to shoot people is not an option.”
John Snyder is an administrator at Austin Montessori School. Follow him on Twitter @jrs1231.
This matches all my instincts as a Montessori parent of three boys, who are now beyond the “toy gun” years. We raised them all toy gun free and with the same “we do not pretend to shoot people” guidlines; I just never had a good explaination to offer myself (let alone others) as to why these things were not ok. The discussion regardig personal power and the ideas for refocussing this innnate extinct is one that would have really benefitted us tremendously. But, at least I can set aside one of my many “did I do the right thing (by following my own instincts)?” questions aside. Thank you.
There are three more aspects of guns that are naturally appealing to children:
1. Super Soaker. This is more water play combined with a game of tag than it is an expression of gun violence. But for those who object to its apparent similarity to gun violence, one redirection possibility that combines water play with projection of power is the water rocket.
http://www.amazon.com/LAUNCH-Water-Powered-SPACE-ROCKET/dp/B0009XFTPO
2. Noise. Whether mechanical or gunpowder chemical, the noise generated by toy guns feels empowering because it is a lot of noise generated by the press of a button (as opposed to using one’s own voice). One obvious redirection is the thrown paper snap-poppers. Other possibilities include science experiments such as baking powder and vinegar (which is — guess what — used in the Montessori Elementary volcano simulation). With more creativity and depending on budget, a party-store electric balloon inflator combines a simple button press, a physical visual display of anticipation, and the desired loud noise conclusion.
http://www.giantpartystore.com/Catalog.cfm/iProdID/274280
Or just use a roll of old-fashioned paper caps, but with a nail hammer instead of a cap gun. Amount of bang is adjustable with the number of caps simultaneously struck
http://www.amazon.com/Parris-912-Paper-Roll-Caps/dp/B0007U7ZQU
3. Shiny tool. Guns, especially the classic chrome ones, are shiny. Regardless of shiny or matte, many have a nice heft and feel good in the hand. These descriptions also apply to hand tools, such as hammers and pliers, which can serve as good substitutes when applied to either woodworking or electronics.
Michael Malak
Co-founder of Bergamo Academy in Denver, CO
We do not have toy guns in our home, but both my boys can make some doozies out of legos/blocks/straws or pretty much anything that is around! We do have a very strict- ‘don’t shoot people’ rule around here. But- my imaginative boys shoot dinosaurs and dragons and ghosts with everything from bullets to lasers to tranquilizer darts (we watch National Geographic). I keep wresting with the gun question…to outlaw completely just makes things more desirable sometimes. They play frequently at other people’s homes where guns/gun play is allowed (I do still enforce the no shooting people rule). I redirect them frequently- but at 2 and 4- they are often playing together with me in another room- so redirection isn’t always an option.
there is no perfect answer- but thank you for your article. Gives me some more to think about.
I was totally hooked at the beginning of this article. The connections you’ve drawn between common childhood activities and power are fascinating. However, as much as I appreciate your ambivalence about the role of guns in society (past, present and future), I find myself wondering if the ban on pretend play with guns is an appropriate response to this ambivalence. As you point out, guns have had and still do have positive and negative uses in our society; they figure into hunting, police work and soldiering even as they play a role in violent crimes and oppression. I believe that helping children understand the power inherent in guns and the ways in which one can use that power is our role as adults. Therefore, cutting off pretend play involving guns removes a useful avenue for children to express curiosity and develop empathy. It also limits our ability to see this curiousity developing and respond to it.
If I had forbidden guns/soldiers/etc from my home, my son and I would have missed out on many opportunities to talk about war and justice, gun safety, and fighting. And, as he pointed out this afternoon, if I had kept all toy guns and knights out of the house, he might have secretly written a letter to Santa to bring them anyway.
I suspect that outright forbidding anything a child is deeply interested in simply drives it underground, where we have little recourse to influence their decisions.
I do think we have a right to curb play that actually does hurt others, and pretend gun play could certainly have this effect. But I think this determination should be made through observation, then conversation, preferably leading to a consensus about the futue.
We live in an area where guns are used for hunting and hunting is valued as a sport, food and survival. Therefore, children and their finger shaped into a gun or a toy resembling a gun can be used as play when taught properly, followed through and proper guidence while play to make sure the child or our son has the correct motive for gun play. In our home gun play also can be used for being a protector… as a police officer would have a gun, a soldier (family in military) and for hunting purposes but never to shoot or aim at a living creature for pure power, intimidation or out of retaliation. When that value is forgotten the toy gun is stopped for a bit, maybe days or weeks and not as a punishment but to be reminded how important gun safety is and the proper treatment toward guns even when at play.
Recently, I was given a book entitled THE WAR PLAY DILEMNA by Diane E. Levin and Nancy Carlsson-Paige by the Education Director at the school where I will be co-teaching this Fall, When it first came to me, I was somewhat Deer in the headl…ights about it. Thank you for this article. I have been speaking with fellow Montessorians regarding the allowance of such behavior in our “peaceful” classrooms. This article helps me rest with the concept.
I don’t think it’s the guns that’s the problem but rather the underlying motive TO shoot people. If a child, or anyone else for that matter, feels compelled to be violent, even in fantasy or in play, then one must ask a) Where is this underlying emotional need coming from and b) Why are you objectifying your opponent. Let’s face it you don’t need guns to be violent or competitive, and that’s really what this is about. “In this house we don’t pretend to shoot people.” Yes but playing competitive sports is okay? Guns aren’t the problem, competition isn’t the problem, violence isn’t even the problem. The problem is a lack of empathy towards one’s fellow human beings. The problem is not respecting the power of the weapons one wields, be it one’s own fists, or a water gun or a semi-automatic; one needs to respect that one can actually cause discomfort, real damage, or in some cases actually kill another human being depending on the weapon one is wielding and act responsibly with it. And that lack of understanding and responsibility is part of the problem. So is the basic respect and empathy that keeps one from objectifying other people and viewing them as things rather than living, feeling, sentient beings with minds and hearts just like one’s own. I think the development of empathy is perhaps the most important tool in preventing violence. One can have all the weapons in the world at one’s disposal, lethal weapons, but if one can empathize with one’s opponent not one shot will be fired or blow struck.
Sent from my iPhone
On Jul 20, 2011, at 2:36 PM, Donna Bryant Goertz wrote:
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On Jul 20, 2011, at 1:32 PM, Donna Bryant Goertz wrote:
I admire this strong article with its much needed points on insigjts into the source of our sons fascination with guns and wise advice on how to respond by redirecing their activity according to Sandy Blackard’s “Language of Listening.”
I also like the comments that follow this article and think we could employ them to make some wonderful extensions to it for our parents and the wider world that would include insight into the attraction of a gun’s heft, weight and loud noises. Redirecting children toward an interest in hand tools and later power tools and power washers, introducing demolition and reconstruction are excellent ideas! John, I think we should make an interest group around your article with the comments it stimulated and combine it with our “Power Play” presentation (at Austin Montessori School) and those handouts and booklists.
Beyond the mentioned expansions and extensions, I think it is time for us to address another point. I think we could respond thoroughly to that pervasive rationale for giving children toy guns that says to deny them only increases the child’s interest to the point of fixation. We would counter that idea by saying that “depriving” children from playing with guns no more fascinates them with it than does depriving them from stealing or hitting or lying or cheating fixate our children on those. It all depends on how it’s done.
Almost all children will experiment with undesirable behaviors and activities but that doesn’t stop us from setting standards for non-violence, honesty, truthfulness and fair play. What matters is how we go about addressing these essential moral and ethical issues with our children–not by blame and shame or judgment and punishment but developmentally.
Equally important is that we understand that it is ALL developmental. Just as different children will more or less often hit to redress grievances, play fast and loose with the truth when they perceive it to be in their self interest, disrespect others’ property when tempted, help themselves to the possessions of others if convenient and take liberties with the rules of the game for advantage; so will they beg for toy weapons when they see others enjoying them. And when they don’t succeed in getting them from their adults, children will of course make toy guns with Legos, pick up sticks and use them or simply point their fingers. Of course they will!
To my way if thinking this is no reason to give children toy weapons. When they are not truthful or honest ot fair, we don’t support and assist them in their mistaken ways, telling ourselves that by not aiding and abetting their wrong behavior we only further fascinate them with it, make it an obsession, and entrench them in it. We only say that about toy weapons. Why?
I think it’s because society’s stand against toys of violence is not universal as it is against hitting, falsehoods, unfairness and dishonesty. We are not yet firm enough and sure enough of our own stand to bear up in the face of the majority opinion. We are not strong enough in our own values to feel comfortable in our minority position.
And yet this is exactly where the toy weapons issue is so valuable to us in bringing up our children. It is around this issue that we can model for our children what it means to stand for our values, for what we hold to be true even in the face of opposition from the majority, even when those majority members are our beloved friends and relatives, even when it makes us uncomfortable or puts us in the position of odd-man-out. Living with us while we stand our ground is so valuable to our children. Nothing else can do for them what this can, not our parching, or teaching or coaching; not our scolding or punishing. When we stand strong for our children in relation to toys of violence they live our truth with us and grow in personal power through our example.
And now while our children are little we might not realize that it’s just a hop, skip and a jump before we will put car keys into their hands and wave goodbye as they take off with friends to places and activities where they will need every ounce of strength we have helped them develop in order to keep themselves safe and healthy physically and emotionally.
We will blink twice after tucking these litlte ones into bed and it will be time for our adolescents to go out into the world on their own. We will warn them to be strong, to stand for their values and do the right thing even if their friends don’t, even if it’s uncomfortable, even if they are standing all alone. But if we have not modeled for our children doing all that in our daily lives in a manner obvious to them, how will they have grown the moral fiber to do so themselves? If we model fear and insecurity in the face of the majority and timidity and insecurity in relation to our children’s cravings, how will they not do the same?
So when we refuse our children toys of violence and we find them making them of Legos, picking up sticks or pointing their fingers to shoot, we will do well to redirect them as wisely, strongly and surely as we would when we find them hitting, being dishonest, untruthful or unfair. And we can trust that with various ones of our children we will be called upon to redirect more or less often, so we will do well to brace ourselves, hone our skills and gather our strength and wits in order to have the clarity, energy and variety of approaches to stay the course for the long haul.
When again and again we find our children needing our redirection from Lego, stick and finger guns; we can know, we can know, how good it is for us to address this, wisely and surely and repeatedly. How much better that is than for our children to be given by us, their trusted and beloved adults, their powerful life models, those deliberately manufactured toys that we go out and pay for thereby giving support and value for their manufacture and sales. To purchase a toy of violence from a store that has purchased it from a distributor that has purchased it from a manufacturer–this gives our child many relays of adult complicity with and approval of his playing at killing. When our child patches together for himself some crude way to play at killing while we are not looking he receives no adult or societal complicity or approval.
Therein lies a huge difference for his moral and ethical development and his future life. He will have been brought up, wisely and well, firmly and cheerfully, by adults who refuse to be complicit with or supportive of those who manufacture and sell toys of violence, regardless of how awkward that position was to take and how hard to hold. That child will go off with car keys among friends to places where his character will be tested and found equal to the test because his parents were equal to theirs.
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Some of my best childhood summer memories were whole-neighborhood squirt-gun and Super-Soaker fights. I fully intend to buy water guns for my kid, so she can grow up and look back on her fun times too. Because throwing a tennis ball at a stack of cans isn’t nearly as fun as chasing each other and spraying each other with water!
I hear you! Many wonderful guns, nail guns, power sprayers, caulk guns– water guns can be thrilling for getting each other wet, not for for pretending to kill one another. Some of my most thrilling childhood memories were playing hide-and-seek in the DARK! We also told ghost stories with a child or two always sneaking off to hide in the bushes to float out moaning toward the rest of us just at the terrifying climax of the story. We also found thrills in quietly stalking the vacant lot to observe horned lizards and box turtles and mark them for identification when we spotted them again. We were wild and unkempt, poor, creative and inventive.
My children found thrills with an old movie camera and got in big trouble climbing out a second story window for thrilling shots. They also got stitched up after falling from the zip line in the backyard. We ate meat so at a later age they had toy hunting rifles. Neighbor children played gore the gooks during the Vietnam war and when my boys joined in on occasion, they came home confessing that they felt awful, dirty, creepy. Good! As well they should, for thrilling to that.
Thrills are basic, necessary and valuable for us as children but, to my mind, to thrill at pretending to kill one another is not. I trust with our fabulous Montessori breakthrough, one which has revealed to us the true but history changing, the old pedagogical science shattering, the myth busting new insights, we now have the momentum, the hope and the courage to re-imagine, not only children’s education but also their play.
Play in our society does not form the future of each individual as a a person who solves problems through killing, but it does create a society convinced of the necessity for doing so. It prevents evolutionary new thinking, the envisioning of ways of being and of relating that can, over time, bring us to non-violent solutions to problems. Once upon a time it was held as true that children had to be punished and rewarded for the sake of their behavior and learning, just as now it is thought violence is a final unfortunate but necessary solution to some problems.
Maybe our children’s play sets deep in our collective being the truths by which our society will live. He who tells the story, and tells it again and again to the very young, and plays it out over and over as a child . . . Of course not all of us as adults will be the ones who gain our livelihood committing the violence we count on to solve the problem or provide the protection. But each of us will form a society comfortable with providing those roles and incapable of envisioning something beyond. There is much for us to consider here.
In his books, Walter Wink speaks of “the myth of necessary and redemptive violence.” Lt. Colonel Grossman”s book “Stop Teaching Our Kids to Kill” warns against violence and killing as entertainment for children. James Garbarino speaks of profound, radical respect.
I’m sorry, but I’m of the school of thought that believes girls aren’t as apt to just haul of and throw things because society, particularly commercials targeting children, tell girls that they’re supposed to be maternal and sweet and have nothing to do with strength or the outdoors. My friends and I played outside, built sand/dirt castles, threw rocks, played with guns (they were usually just sticks), and engaged in “sword fights” (again, sticks). There was nothing less female about us than the other girls, nothing particularly “special” about our upbringing, something just encouraged us to engage the outdoors rather than sitting inside, smearing makeup on our faces and pretending that, at the age of SIX, we were married and mothers of five.
I was a wild child who played with the boys and led the girls to play Tarzan and not be Jane. The huge vacant lot next door was my domain. I was the good student in school but a wild child at home. I read Shakespeare and the books from my mother’s mail-order book club. Our mother encouraged it along with nudity in the back yard for the sake of our health, and we were as brown as berries. Our hair was tangled. We built forts and “lived” in the higher branches of the trees. We didn’t wear shoes around the neighborhood and braved burning pavement and sticker burrs tramping through weeds and across the street to take our nickels to the tiny store. We rode a stolen horse bareback. We picked ticks off the dogs and squashed them between two rocks. We had a pet baby possum in the house and followed Texas horned lizards and box turtles in the vacant lot to see if we could spot tiny identifying crayon marks we had made on them when we caught them earlier. And we were both girls and boys. Never thought there should be a difference between us as we played. The difference was between the rich kids in the neighborhood who had no fun because they couldn’t get dirty and “germy” and us. We had fun!
John, thank you for the reminder, which I think is necessary. One point to add is that even if your own family culture shuns guns, it’s nice to let other family members know how you feel about them so that your extended family culture supports your choices. Our sons — as a rite of passage, of sorts — received Daisy bb guns from their grandparents when they each reached 6 years old. They’d shoot pumpkins from the back porch on my in-law’s land. I wasn’t too keen about that. They also received Super Soaker-type water guns to keep cool and “be boys.” The flourishing gun industry would be happy if we’d all have guns and forget how to speak to each other — to let our guns “do the talking.” That’s not how I want to raise my children. I’d like for them to learn how to be civil and peaceful. If they want to buy a gun later in life, they just shouldn’t tell me about it.
(previous submission contained a few errors, corrected here!)
If pretending to shoot people is not an option, then I assume that all games at gym and recess that involve shooting people with rubber balls are also out. In these games (Medic, Dodgeball, 8-Base) the object is to “take down” the opponent. The difference is that they are really getting hit with a projectile with considerable velocity (Some of my former 8th graders could knock somebody out with a sponge ball).
I agree with Erin. I think fake guns are just fine, so long as the play itself is playful. Nerf guns potentially fit that category. My former Junior High students taught me the joys of Nerf technology, and I must say, it was very playful. Great outdoor exercise, too.
As for shiny tools, I think it would hurt a lot more if I got hit in the head with a wrench.
ja
Here’s a good question. Are there any typically girl toys you would ban? I can’t think of one. Banning gun play is based on fears and stereotypes about this kind of play. Many people are working on the assumption that when kids play with toy guns they are being trained to do harm to others.
They are not. They are just playing.
It’s fun to try to hit something with a projectile and it’s even more fun with a projectile launcher. It’s even more exciting if the target is moving and shooting back.
I play with nerf guns with my kids all the time. We blast away at each other. I’m not training them to kill. They are learning to hit a moving target with a projectile the same way you would with any ball.
I teach fencing, but I’m not teaching my fencing student to kill with a sword. It’s really just a complicated version of tag.
Kids can learn so much from toy gun play. Things like resource allocation (how to get the most darts for my gun), strategic evaluation (who has the best gun), planning (shoot him when he is reloading); I can go on and on. As adult we must stretch our comfort level to accept this kind of learning.
Adults have to realize that this is play. We should monitor it to be sure that it’s safe and respectful. The same way I monitor my fencing classes.
So glad you have brought up these points to continue this important conversation. This is a rich opportunity to go more deeply, to explore the complexity and to ask ourselves if our children are not developing a comfort and an acceptance of killing as a necessary part of the human experience by playing at it. Of course it won’t be OUR own children who kill–unless we consider all the earth’s children as our own.
I count it a our failure of imagination that we cannot invent exciting, compelling ways to accomplish all the valuable developmental aims and reach the desired outcomes in activities other than those that model one human being killing another. There’s got to be a better way that is just as thrilling. Let’s get to work together and keep working at it until we succeed. I don’t have the answers but i count on our brilliant community to evolve them together.
We wouldn’t play at rape with our children.
That last line is quite powerful and reinforces my belief that pretending to kill others is instilling a sense that it in itself is acceptable behavior. And people survive being raped.
Fully agree with horf. Banning gun play is a bit over zealous. As a woman who played with bb guns as a child, and then grew up a near pacifist, I say let the kids play and use the play as a teaching moment when and if issues arise. We have two boys and an arsenal of Nerf toys in our home. One of our favorite pastimes is running around the house Nerfing eachother down-oh, and we paintball too.