or The Bed Less Slept In
I’m a Montessori teacher. My trainer used to say that by the end of the training, we’d have Montessori in our blood; in my case, I think she was right. I truly love the philosophy, and try to apply it not just to the children in my classroom, but this past year with my infant daughter, Em.(i) Which is why it pains me to admit that I have had a difficult relationship with my daughter’s floor bed.
My daughter was born into a tumultuous year in our lives. When she was three months old, we moved cross-country. When she was six months old, we moved again. She’ll be ten months in a month; we’ll be moving then, too. Needless to say, it’s been a challenge for her to have the perfect Montessori environment in which to grow in. In fact, she was almost seven months old before we were able to transition her to her floor bed (due to safety issues). This is not the ideal, and I realize that; however, life just got in the way (as it has a habit of doing).
From the day she was born, Em was a reluctant sleeper. VERY reluctant. Naps were inevitably prefaced by loud protests, and I tended to think of them with all the trepidation of approaching battles—one where the outcome was not at all certain. When we got her floor bed, I was nervous. VERY nervous. She already hates to sleep, and now I’m giving her easy access out of the dreaded bed? Gulp! But we jumped in, thoroughly baby-proofed her bedroom, bought the mattress, and put the pack’n’play away.
© MariaMontessori.com
That first night, I realized all my fears had been completely founded. She rolled off the bed several times, waking herself up and causing a hysterical scene every time we tried to get her back to sleep. Days after, she realized that although she couldn’t yet crawl, she could scoot herself off the offending mattress. I’d go in and place her back on the mattress what felt like a million times in ten minutes. (She’d scoot off as soon as I’d gone through the gate in her room, voicing her displeasure at the top of her lungs). I tried laying with her on the bed; that was a short-lived phase, as I’d just end up getting my hair pulled, arms pinched, and an even more over-excited baby who refused to sleep.
One night, exhausted, Em screaming from the next room, hands holding onto the bars of the gate at the door like a clichéd jailbird (all she needed was the tin can banging against the bars), my husband and I seriously considered bringing back her pack’n’play. (I’m not sure exactly what we thought this would solve, since she was a reluctant sleeper, even with the pack’n’play. I can only claim to have been under the 4 am spell that turns irrationality into lucidity. We were just plain desperate.) However, as dawn crept in through the blinds of that fateful morning, and silence finally reigned, I had one thought before I drifted off to sleep. No one said it was going to be easy.
For some odd reason, this thought gave me peace. And conviction. Armed with these new tools, I approached sleep with a newfound calm. I decided on a routine that I would stick to, no matter what, and stopped trying to guess my daughter’s magic formula for peaceful sleep. She’d still scoot off the bed immediately—you could count on it!—but armed with my new unruffled confidence, I’d simply scoop her back up, place her back on the bed, pat her bottom, say good night, and step out of the room. Each time. Every single time she’d scoot off the bed, until she’d finally go to sleep.
There sometimes seems to be a sense when talking about Montessori that the model classroom simply appears, like magic. That children somehow shed their deviations the moment they step over the threshold of a Montessori classroom. This has not been the case for me, not in the classroom and not in my home. Montessori theory and articles are full of triumphs and successes—and so they should be, because Montessori really works! However, I think the emphasis on the happily-ever-after sometimes takes the focus away from the fact that the path to this utopia is hard. My first year teaching, I’d fall asleep in movie theaters because I couldn’t stay awake past 8 pm, I was so exhausted. In my classroom, there’d be children whose family lives were so at odds with Montessori, that following limits or working independently seemed like a foreign language to them. (One that they could certainly learn, and for the most part did, but not easily and assuredly not perfectly.) We’re not perfect adults, there are no perfect children, and the perfect life has continuously eluded me. The first years of teaching are hard. The first months of school are hard. However, walk into a Montessori classroom in the spring. Ah! There it is! This is what all the articles are talking about. Here is concentration, and community, and independence. It is the end result that makes the difficult months worthwhile.
© MariaMontessori.com
Somewhere along the line, I’d forgotten that the path is hard. I’d been under some illusion that, “if you put her in a floor bed, sleep will come,” and had been terribly disappointed that this was not the case. Although the floor bed has many advantages (spatial learning as to where the edge of the bed is, independence, cost, and more!), the one that has been forefront for us is the development of the will. It has also been an exercise for me in setting appropriate limits, and being authoritative, not authoritarian. I know she wants to stay with me and play, but she needs to take a nap. However, I cannot force her to fall asleep—all I can do is create the environment for sleep, and then she has to choose to do that on her own. And the floor bed allows her the power to do it when she’s ready.
In Education for a New World, Montessori writes that “Whereas the breaking of the will is instantaneous, the development of it is a lengthy process, because it is growth, and depends on aid from the environment” (88). As the child develops the will, through continuous practice in the environment, the ability to obey emerges. Not forced from the outside, but willingly, from within.
After weeks of my consistent routine, confidently and calmly enforced, I finally began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly, she’d only scoot off the bed, two, maybe three times, before falling asleep. And she’d still cry, but the panicked rage seemed to have gone missing. Sometimes, on that third time, she’d still be awake on the bed, but playing with her owl pillow, or calmly gazing at the shadows on the wall, cooing, until she drifted off to sleep. Despite my conviction, I was still surprised, and amazed. It’s working… maybe… I hope!
Weeks later still, as I am sitting here writing this, I am happy to report that I just placed Em down for a nap, and she went peacefully to sleep, with nary a peep—and that this is now (mostly) normal in our house. Sometimes I still get the timing wrong, where I think she’s sleepy and put her down, but it turns out she was not quite ready to sleep yet. When this happens, she usually goes over to her shelf and chooses a toy to play with or a book to flip through. After a little while, she’ll come over to the gate and make a couple of calm “Yaaaaa….” sounds; my cue to go back in and place her back on the bed. I put her back in, kiss her goodnight, and every single time that this has happened, when she has called me from the gate, and I go to place her back on the bed, she falls asleep peacefully and in minutes. How empowering that a nine month old can choose when she wants to nap!
And, best of all, when she wakes up, she will most likely stay on the bed a little while, playing with the owl pillow. Then, she’ll scoot off, and go visit her shelves, maybe knock over her stacking toys or play with her rattle. After a little while, she’ll come over to the gate, and make a noise, asking me to come and get her. And she’ll greet me with a smile on her face.
(i) Not her real name.
Ana Amiguet is an AMI Primary trained teacher, who is now a full time mom.
Yes, yes, yes!!! There is so much truth and wisdom in your article, Ana! This is exactly how the floor bed works… It took us MONTHS of putting Zach to bed and going up to his room over and over to put him back in bed when he rolled off and cried, and then one night *poof* he fell asleep on his own and came to terms with his floor bed. It’s as much of a lesson for parents as it is for the children; it’s not a short-term fix like the crib or co-sleeping, but it’s one that prepares the child for a lifetime of healthy sleep habits.
Well done and thank you for sharing your journey!!
Thank you, Ana. I appreciate your story– as any parent would, too. I am happy to share it with parents at Evergreen Montessori. Regards, John DeMarchi
Interesting about preparation of child to sleep habits. So un-natural – to fit to the needs of adults. Nowhere else in the animal kingdom is there evidence of sleep training. Nature teaches. Watch a cat with her kittens – watch puppies – thay snuggle into security with mum and fall asleep. What is natural about controlling hpours of sleep, place of sleep, having a separate room, and a gate………..
I too am a Montessorian, fought no battles with three babies about the where and when – as adults now they have “good” sleep habits having learned to follow inner needs – inner self-dicipline……
I love the concept of freedom of movement, but it seems that you are killing that with a gate. It’s just like a very large crib then and your process sounds a bit like some form of CIO or sleep training. My son began napping on a floor bed at 3 or 4 months and we coslept at night (with the crib sidecarred next to the bed – http://www.freewebs.com/sidecarcrib ).
For naps, when he got tired, he would nurse to sleep, then I would set him down on the floor bed. It was the most beautiful sound to hear him wake up and the thump, thump, thump of a crawling baby coming to find me when he woke. At 12 months we began transitioning him to the floor bed at night. It’s been a month so far and he nurses to sleep when he gets tired, then I put him on the floor bed until he wakes to nurse. He comes into bed with us for the rest of the night at that point. He’s just crying so far when he wakes at night, but I hope he’ll come into our bedroom on his own soon (we have our bed on the floor too for now).
Dear friend. I read your article and I did not understand really why do you fight so much with your child? I am a teacher of languages and I am also a mother of a 20 years old boy, or already a man. You could know that a child wants to sleep in the same bed as his parents and he wants to fall asleep at the same time as they fall asleep! This is a natural need of the children. As it was already said here – watch the animals! So our son slept with us in OUR BED until the time he wanted to have his own bed, and that was at the age of 12 years! Some children want to have their own bed earlier and the parents should respect that need. After eating and washing we went to bed, I read a few fairy tales for him, we talked a little and when I saw that he is already tired, I held him in my arms untill he fell asleep and when he grew older, I showed him how to relax his neck and arms and legs etc. and then he fell asleep. After that I returned to the living room AND HAD A WONDERFUL AND CALM EVENING WITH MY HUSBAND…
We too moved around a LOT when my son was an infant, not really settling in until he was 7 1/2 months old. But having the floor bed was SO much easier in our case, but it meant no lugging around of furniture (pack and play, crib, etc). We simply unrolled a pack of blankets and there was the floor bed.
Now, because it was begun from the very beginning, it was natural and there was no adjustment. But also we had a family bed – I slept with him – but not all the time. He was not traumatized to wake and find me not there, and he could fall asleep without me at a very young age. Typically he would nurse until content; pull off; lean in for a tight snuggle (precursor to hugging I think
) and then pull away to reach for the “bed”. I then tucked him in and walked away – so he was still falling asleep on his own.
Just one other way of looking at it
I have a friend who’s a “sleep coach”. Interestingly, almost all of her clients are parents who were happy co-sleeping with their infants and now can’t figure out how to get their toddler to: a) fall asleep without nursing, b) sleep through the night, and c) sleep in his own bed. Setting limits and expectations for sleep is just as natural and ESSENTIAL as setting limits and expectations for any other aspect of a child’s life.
This argument of “we’re the only animals who sleep-train” is irrelevant. We’re also the only animals who bake their chicken, the only animals who wear shoes, the only animals who use sewing machines…
When I hear of a parent delighting in their co-sleeping arrangement with their baby, I think about a three-year old student of mine who once told me: “My mommy said she’d give me a lolly pop if I slept in my own room.” What’s better for the child, loving consistency or coersive bribes?
I think the thing that’s most important to read from this article is that it is her experience. She was a new mom, her first child, and her experience with a floor bed. I too am a Montessorian who now has two children and did a floor bed with both of mine, but had a very different experience.
The thing I value from this article is how she shared her struggles, her triumphs, her beliefs, and ultimately what she wanted for her child and her family. We all want something different, and we all take a different path. As her title says, it is a road less traveled as it is not something most mothers or families would do.
I am guilty of nursing my kids to sleep and of co-sleeping with my children and then moving them over to the floor beds. Why? It was easy. Yes, I did take the easy route on some things. I wish I had been as dedicated to work through things, but now with a 4 year old and almost 2 year old, my husband and I spend almost an hour trying to get our kids to fall asleep. So, yes, sometimes I wish I could have done what the author said. But, I chose not to, I chose to do what I did. Would I do it again? I’m not sure, but I value her experience and the honesty and courage it took her to share it.
I don’t have an opinion about floor beds because I had never heard of the concept when my daughters were little. My 16-year-old now sleeps with her mattress on the floor by choice, by the way, and I have no idea what that means. But thank you, Ana, for reminding me that sometimes life is hard and it’s not because I’m doing it wrong.
It is important to respect the vulnerable place a mother puts herself in when expressing her own discoveries. I raise my glass (of wine) to Ana for putting herself out there. Thank you for sharing with such honesty and love.
Thanks for sharing, Ana. We moved our son from a Pack n’ Play to a floor mattress when he was about 10 months old. He spent a lot of nights sleeping on a blanket on the floor. We had a gate up in front of his door as well and that was his favorite place to curl up. Finally my cousin, who is a Montessori teacher, suggested moving the mattress in front of the gate too. It worked! Our son started sleeping on the mattress and over the course of several weeks we transitioned the mattress back to its regular home, where he continued to sleep on it. Once we were through the hard part I LOVED having a floor mattress. My son is about to turn 2 and the floor mattress is still working like a charm. There are occasionally difficult days but that’s just life with a toddler. We’ll start baby #2 from infancy. Way to stay the course! It is so, so worth it!
Pilar, you’re making some assumptions about co-sleeping parents that aren’t true. We co-slept with both children and I never, ever bribed them to sleep on their own. When they were old enough that they were ready for transition (about 2 in both cases), they moved to a floor bed in their room that we already used for naps. As discussed above, this was not a seamless or easy process, but as people who went straight to making their children sleep alone did, we worked with patience to help our children feel safe and comfortable. Neither one of our children have trouble sleeping now, and both are confident and loving children. To assume that co-sleeping parents are clueless and must use lollipops to get a child out of their bed is insulting, frankly.
I know many Montessorians who incorporate attachment parenting and co-sleeping in to their lives, and have independent, confident children who thrive in their Montessori environments. It is possible, and I think beneficial, to learn more about co-sleeping before dismissing it, as most of the mainstream does.
Just to chip in a bit: children who are on the lower bed from early months are used to it naturally. Also the child to fall asleep has to be really tired.
Dr Montanaro talks about 3 types of chidlren below 3yo – one of them somatotonic does not nap. they have so much energy that they dont want to sleep during the day.